But Can't
by Jen-chan-shaw
Summary: Don't you know what you're doing to me?  Don't you know how you're making me burn?  Don't you know what you're making me want to do to you?    Chikane wants to ask... but can't.


[Kannazuki no Miko] ... But Can't

...But Can't

A Kannazuki no Miko Fanfic By Jen-chan

Jan 9, 2007 – May 31, 2007

DISCLAIMER: The characters from Kannazuki no Miko that appear in this fanfic do not belong to the author and are being used without permission from their owners who include Geneon, TNK and Kaishaku.

CONTINUITY: This fic takes place the night of Episode 7, where Chikane fights off Miyako's psychological warfare, only to witness Himeko and Souma sharing an intimate moment.

LEMON WARNING: This fic contains explicit scenes of a sexual nature that is intended for a mature audience. Reader discretion is advised.

ANGST WARNING: Sorry, no fluffiness this time either… given the timing of this fic, it… would be difficult to pull off a happy ending …

_Don't you know what you're doing to me?_

_Don't you know how you're making me burn?_

_Don't you know what you're making me want to do to you?_

Chikane wants to ask... but can't.

* * *

Still.

Chikane thinks that if she could only remain absolutely and perfectly still - more still than death -then maybe even the storm raging inside her heart will subside.

So she closes her eyes and forces her breathing to be slow and rhythmic. She leans back into her chair (even though she can't quite get the muscles in her back to relax) with her legs tucked together and her hands cupped around the china teacup in her lap. She tries very hard to think of nothing at all.

For a few brief minutes, her discipline appears to work. The moon shines in through the open curtains and illuminates upon nothing more than a statue of a long haired girl in a pale nightgown and shawl. There is no sign of living in the deafeningly silent bedroom, no tortured longing... no burning jealousy... no suffocating helplessness…

There is nothing… but it doesn't last.

Chikane's hands clench around her amaretto filled teacup and with a vicious fling, she smashes the china against her window, shattering both porcelain and glass.

She leans heavily forward in her chair, burying her face in her shaking hands and her whole body trembles.

What seems like a thousand deep breaths pass before she trusts her hands not to destroy anything else.

Shakily, she stands up, and shuffles over in silent slippers towards the shattered mess, kneeling to the floor to pick up the pieces. She is so shaky that it is no surprise when she cuts her finger on a jagged edge.

The sharp pain in her hand is welcomed - a kind distraction from the one weighing so heavily in her heart.

Chikane reaches down once more but a gentle hold on her wrist stops her.

Eyes widening in surprise, Chikane looks up, and Himeko's mournful eyes are brimming with unshed concern for her.

_I'm dreaming, _Chikane thinks, but she knows these are not dreams:

They are lies of a far crueler nature.

Himeko stares at Chikane, and there is such a look of pained woe caught in those crinkled eyes, those trembling lips, that Chikane feels like her own heart wants to rip out of her chest.

_Please don't look at me like that, _Chikane wants to say... but can't.

_Don't you know what you're doing to me?_

_Don't you know how you're making me burn?_

_Don't you know what you're making me want to do to you?_

Chikane wants to ask... but can't.

Himeko averts her eyes.

Himeko looks down at the pale hand she grasps in her own...

... and she brings it up to her lips. She closes her warm, wet mouth around Chikane's wounded finger and slowly licks her tongue along the thin line of red, seeming, almost, to be savoring the taste of spilt blood...

Chikane's eyes widen and her breath catches in her throat. Shivers run down her back and her heart falls into her stomach and a thousand thoughts rush for her attention and she feels dizzy and can't breathe or think or- !

Himeko releases Chikane's finger. Her eyes remain averted. They cannot rise to meet Chikane's own. She presses Chikane's hand to her chest.

Chikane can feel the pounding of Himeko's heart against her palm.

And Chikane can hear the silent response – those words that the other girl wants so much to say... but can't.

_Don't you know... that I do?_

Chikane wants to believe Himeko's unspoken words - she really, really does. Her heart wars with itself endlessly.

But she cannot.

_You don't,_ Chikane wants to say.

_There is no way that you can! If you knew exactly what I want to do to you, to your body, (kiss you touch you claim you make you scream and cry and plead and mine mine mine only mine) even now, you'd recoil in repulsion and call me a monster and want nothing more to have to do with me..._

Chikane pulls her hand out of Himeko's grasp entirely, standing and turning away from the girl she desires so desperately. She faces the window and the moonlight pouring through it, supporting herself with a hand on the window frame.

The power of the Second Neck of Orochi's (Miyako, was it?) malicious taunting, words made so much more cruel by the absolute truth reflected in them, washes and almost overpowers Chikane's senses and she cannot help but clench her hands into fists again, causing blood to well up and silently spill through her fingers.

_You don't know how disgusting I am..._

The feel of Miyako's body pressed against her own, hands and lips roving over her flesh as though the villain owned it, is not a sensation Chikane will soon forget, nor is the accompanying shame, guilt, disgust... the insatiable, undeniable lust, ecstasy and sick, sick, pleasure…

The Second Neck had shown Chikane just how unnatural and wrong her feelings were - how wrong and unnatural she was…

_So, there is no way you could possibly still be standing here, looking at me like that, if you really knew what I wanted… what I am…_

Chikane bows her head and wishes that Himeko would give her the mercy of privacy and solitude so that she can put her mask back on and bury her feelings once more under layers and layers of iron control and discipline, but her most desired will not grant her this mercy. Instead, she feels small, thin arms wrapping around her waist, the swell and warmth of breasts pressing against her shoulder blades, and the skin of Himeko's cheek, nuzzling against her neck, at that soft spot just behind her ear. She can hear Himeko breathing in the smell of her shampoo, and feel the tickle of Himeko's breath...

Chikane closes her eyes and screams wordlessly and voicelessly in her head.

_Please stop being so kind to me…_

Chikane wants to beg.

But can't.

_Please…!_

Himeko tugs at Chikane and Chikane cannot stop herself from turning to face the smaller girl.

Chikane gazes down at Himeko with forlorn eyes brimming even as Himeko's head tilts up and Himeko's eyes close, and Himeko's lips press gently to Chikane's own and Chikane wants to weep from the shame of it all and push the other girl away but she knows she will not, for she knows she hasn't the strength of will to resist her depraved desires and she hates herself for what she is going to do next and how much she is going to enjoy it...

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…_

Chikane grips Himeko's upper arms as she holds the smaller girl in place, parting Himeko's lips with her tongue, claiming and exploring Himeko's mouth with such a fierce and deep urgency that she leaves the both of them dizzy and gasping for air.

Himeko has a look of dazed wonderment on her face and not a small amount of fear in her eyes, but she doesn't resist and she doesn't cry out when Chikane kisses her again, embracing her so tightly that it hurts.

Chikane is leaving a bloody handprint on the upper right arm of Himeko's uniform, but neither of them notice this.

Wordlessly, Chikane pulls Himeko towards her bed. She sinks down on the edge of her mattress and is now forced to look up at the normally shorter girl.

Silence passes between them and then Himeko wraps her arms around Chikane's head, embracing Chikane to her chest.

Chikane closes her eyes and savors the unspoken permission. For a moment, she is almost able to convince herself that such an embrace is enough – just to be held like this is more than satisfying…

… but it is not.

Chikane slowly slides her hands up Himeko's legs, slipping underneath Himeko's skirt, following the slipperiness of thigh-high tights upwards. Himeko's stockings are held up by a garter belt that leaves three inches of skin between hose and panty. Working her thumb against the nubs that hold up the stockings, Chikane soon manages to undo the fasteners. In one smooth motion both garter and panty are pulled down to Himeko's knees; they fall obediently to the ground of their own accord after that.

Himeko's arms tighten in anticipation. Chikane can feel Himeko's heart pounding like drums. She nuzzles deeper against Himeko's chest, even as she brushes her fingertips against flesh tantalizing and soft.

Fingers dig into Chikane's scalp encouragingly.

Chikane can feel the strength leaving Himeko's knees, but she does not let her adored one sink down yet… at least, not until a low moan sounds from the back of Himeko's throat. Only then, does Chikane reach behind Himeko, and tug away at the bow at the small of her back.

In the silence of the room, they can both hear the sound of fabric sliding against fabric as the large loops of the white bow crumples and disappears into the knot at the center of it. And then Chikane reaches up and undoes the smaller bow at the base of Himeko's neck.

The apron is brushed to the floor, forgotten.

Himeko cups hands around Chikane's face, and gently pulls her gaze upwards. For a moment, Chikane can see her own reflection in Himeko's eyes, before those marvelous pools slowly close, and Himeko lowers her face to kiss Chikane deeply.

The kiss is passionate and warm and engulfs so much of both of their attention and focus that neither of them will be able to recall the sequence of action that leads to zippers pulled, buttons popped and seams roughly split.

By the time they break for more than just a short gasp of air, Chikane has already pushed Himeko down into the pillows. Himeko's clothing is scattered all over the bed and onto the floor. Her arms are reached up over mussed golden hair, forcing her back into an arch that thrusts her chest heaving with exertion upwards against Chikane's suckling lips and lapping tongue.

Himeko has been unable to get Chikane entirely out of her nightgown, but her panties dangle by an ankle.

Their bodies rock against each other, driving the other's arousal to heights neither have ever reached before – that neither even know exist, even as hands and mouths explore and lay claim to unspoiled territory with an almost frenzied sense of urgency.

Chikane slides her finger tips down the length of Himeko's body for what must have been the thousandth time, but this time, she does not bring them back up.

Himeko is ready. She brings her arms downwards to wrap them around Chikane's waist, holding onto the other girl tightly.

She's shaking – they both are.

Chikane feels something resist and then… give way entirely…

Himeko gives a sharp cry, and buries her face into the crook of Chikane's neck. Her whole body tightens and her knuckles turn white as they grip the fabric of Chikane's nightgown. Chikane waits silently, stroking the back of Himeko's hair soothingly even as she kisses the shivering girl gently on her forehead.

Eventually, Himeko stops shaking although her lips are still quavering as she looks up into Chikane's eyes with a crinkle of discomfort in her brow.

For a moment, Chikane is lost as she tries to comprehend the complicated expression on Himeko's face. Part of her wants to stop; she thinks she is hurting Himeko, but another part of her finds the way Himeko's lips are slightly parted and the way Himeko's eyes are glazed and unable to focus on anything to be wholly mesmerizing and fascinating.

Slowly, Chikane pushes deeper into the warmth, and Himeko closes her eyes completely, a sound between a moan and a whimper escaping from gasping lips. Those sounds shoot arrows of provocation straight into Chikane's lower abdomen and she feels a great hunger spreading out from the centre of her body across all her limbs.

Chikane presses in deeper still, and Himeko sucks in her breath sharply again.

Once more, Chikane wonders if she should be continuing on, before she feels Himeko's guidance. At first, Chikane almost misses it, but then the motion becomes more noticeable; Himeko is rocking her hips slowly against Chikane's hand.

Wonderment and disbelief spreads across Chikane's face as she moves in time to Himeko's rocking, and she is rewarded by a series of sighs and moans that wordlessly beg for her to continue her ministrations.

Chikane closes her eyes, trying to concentrate on feeding Himeko's pleasure, on granting Himeko's release. She can feel Himeko's grip on her nightgown tighten, even as she can feel the muscles she is stroking clench as Himeko's breathing becomes more and more ragged.

And then Himeko thrusts her hips forward and throws her head back, crying aloud in climax.

"O… Ojou-sama…!"

Like a sharp blade, the cry cuts through the heady arousal that has mind and senses so befuddled with intoxication.

Chikane's eyes snap open.

She feels as though someone had doused her with a bucket of cold water.

She quickly squeezes her eyes closed again, telling herself to ignore the incorrect address entirely, to pretend it hadn't happened at all, to throw herself back into the misty haze of kind deception, to continue to make love to the one she adored…

… but can't.

She cannot uphold the lie anymore…

_Oh, god…_

…

…

…

… In her arms, Kisaragi Otoha grows very, very quiet.

They lie together like that, against each other, bodies clasped together, Otoha-san nuzzled against the crook of Chikane's neck, Chikane with her chin resting on top of her maid's head, afraid to move or say anything that may further destroy the silence and stillness that still shelters them for now, unwilling to acknowledge the cruel truth of the situation…

It is a maddening balance, unable to go back, unable to move forward…

Otoha-san tries to remedy the situation first. She kisses her mistress timidly on the lips.

Chikane's eyes soften. She understands what Otoha-san is trying to do, and she appreciates her maid's attempt to re-weave the lie…

Otoha-san's lips continue to kiss, and hands continue to caress, and Chikane does not have the heart to stop the other woman, but neither (and it is not for lack of trying) is she able to give Otoha-san what her maid seeks.

In the end, Otoha removes herself from Chikane's embrace, turns to face the other direction, and curls up into a tiny ball. She doesn't make any sounds, but her whole body shakes from the effort it takes to contain the pain of rejection.

Chikane reaches out for Otoha and holds her, even awkwardly kisses her on the shoulder, but both already know that it is futile. Something has irrevocably changed, and neither could truthfully deny knowing *exactly* what that something was.

Silence hangs between them like an axe.

All of a sudden, Otoha-san gets up. Without looking back, she hauls her clothing up from the ground, presses them to her chest and makes her way briskly to the bedroom door. She does not pause to put her clothes on – she cannot bear to stay in the room, in her mistress's presence for even another moment.

"Otoha-san!"

It is only with grave reluctance that the maid stops with one hand on the doorknob. She does not turn around. Chikane knows it is only a lifetime's worth of honing a sense of duty and loyalty that prevents the woman from ignoring her command entirely.

"… I'm sorry, Otoha-san." Chikane's voice is hoarse, and full of remorse.

The room relapses into silence again.

"… I… am not." Otoha-san says, her voice so soft it is barely discernable. And then she quickly leaves the room, shutting it behind her.

Chikane closes her eyes, her heart feeling heavier than she has ever felt it before… but she accepts her maid's final act of kindness: one final lie.

Chikane waits until she has given Otoha-san ample time to get to the safety of her maid's own chambers before she leaves her own bedroom and heads for the shower where she tries very hard to think of absolutely nothing at all – not Sister Miyako's (cruel) truth, not Otoha-san's (crueler) kindness… not Himeko's (cruelest) innocence…

… but can't.


End file.
